Not an Option
by suicidalunicorn97
Summary: Tag to Red Meat. After everything is resolved with the darkness, there are a few words left unsaid. "I'm not leaving." Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, mention of past suicide attempts. Destiel if you squint.


"Dean, can we talk?" Cas approached the hunter, who had just gotten off the phone with Crowley. The demon was trying to hunt down Lucifer.

"Yeah, I guess. Douchebag is still coming up empty." Dean walked to the fridge for a beer.

"How are you doing?"

Dean chuckled. "Good. You know, other than the fact that my mom bailed again, and Lucifer is still at large."

Cas frowned at the mention of Mary leaving. He understood her reasoning, but hated the way it hurt Dean.

"I have a question."

"Shoot." Dean sat at the table, taking a sip of the liquor.

"While Lucifer was possessing me...he showed me certain things..."

Dean's eyes softened. "Hey, whatever he did to you...it's over now. You're safe. I'm sure the things he showed you were fake; just to screw with you."

"He actually left me alone quite a bit." Cas disclosed. "I was shoved into a corner of my own mind, and left there. But sometimes I was able to rise to the surface, to see the things he was doing..." The angel shuddered.

"Cas," Dean said softly. "You don't have to tell me this."

"I want to. I have to. Something happened, and I need to know...I need to know if it was real."

"Okay...?"

Cas continued. "The times he did interact with me, it was to show what was happening with you and Sam. He would show me instances were you almost died. I assumed it was just to hurt me, like you said. But after hearing you talk about everything...the things he said and showed me...they really happened. The fog that almost killed you two, for example."

"Yeah..."

"Dean, I saw you take all those pills." Cas blurted out.

The hunter's breath caught in his throat, and he had to look away. "It was nothing." He tried to shrug it off. "I had to talk to Billie."

"That's not entirely true. Lucifer showed me the whole thing. I recognized the hopelessness in your eyes, Dean. I saw you tell that girl 'no hard feelings' if they couldn't bring you back. The way you knew exactly what pills to take, and how you swallowed them without hesitation."

"I had to save Sammy." He maintained.

"You killed yourself! I watched you die!" Cas's voice rose, and Dean cringed.

"Keep it down."

"Why? So Sam doesn't have to know how you died for him, again?"

"Hey, I didn't make any deals." He tried to defend himself.

"But that was your intention. And if it didn't work, you were content to die."

"Alright, so what?"

Cas glared at him furiously. " _So,_ I am sick of your reckless behavior. Your continuous need to sacrifice yourself for others. How you think you're not worth anything alive."

Dean was silent. He could try to deny it, but the angel always knew when he was lying. "Okay."

" _Okay?"_ Cas scowled. "It needs to stop."

"What was I supposed to do? I thought Sam was dead! You were gone. The world was ending. I was just...done." He admitted tiredly.

"Dean, from the moment we met I saw something self-destructive in you. You put yourself in danger at every opportunity. It's getting worse."

"Come on, the Amara thing was different. It wasn't just my plan to strap a soul-bomb to my chest."

"That was different."

Dean sighed. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to realize what you mean to me! To Sam! To your mother. We would miss you. You're important to us. You're the best hunter I've ever known. The world is a better place with you in it."

Dean was uncomfortable. He wasn't used to praise, and he didn't know what to do with it, so he just shook his head.

"I wish I could make you see." Cas said sadly. "Please believe me."

Dean shrugged. "Sorry," He said gruffly.

"Can you at least promise me one thing?"

Dean looked into the angel's striking blue eyes. "Uh, depends on the thing." He stuttered.

"Don't kill yourself again."

"But what if-"

"No." Cas said firmly. "We'll find another way. Suicide is not an option."

Reluctantly, he nodded. "Alright."

"I'm not going anywhere for a while. You know how to find me. If you are having those suicidal thoughts, call me. Pray to me. I will be there."

"Thanks, Cas." Dean said, feeling very awkward. He wasn't into this whole soul-baring thing.

* * *

A month passed, and they kept busy. Cas joined in the hunt for Lucifer. Sam and Dean found cases. And Mary...well, she was off 'finding herself' somewhere.

Somewhere in Canada, apparently. The whole funeral thing was bizarre. They should've expected that a gathering of hunters would attract a demon or something of the sort, but they were unprepared when it actually happened.

Another thing Dean wasn't prepared for was his mother showing up. She could text _her own sons_ maybe once a week. But she drove all the way to Canada for some random guy's funeral? They'd gotten into a little argument about it, but they made up. However, Sam was still pissed at him.

So, Dean was drowning his sorrow the best way he knew how. Liquor. He was back home at the bunker, sitting on his bed. After a few beers, his pistol started to look inviting.

The only thing he was good at was slitting throats. And pissing people off, apparently. Is that why they all left?

Without thinking, Dean loaded a single bullet into the chamber. He wasn't serious about it. Not tonight, anyway. This was so stupid! Just a little fit, really. They'd lived through worse. He'd lived through worse.

He felt a strange hysteria building. He wanted to laugh. Or maybe cry. He couldn't be sure.

Suddenly he remembered his promise to Cas. He dialed the angel's number, not really knowing why.

 _"Hello?"_

"Hey, Cas. How's it going?"

" _Nothing to report. How are you and Sam? Is everything alright? I assumed humans slept during these hours."_

Dean glanced at the clock. 2 AM. oops.

"Yeah, we're good."

" _You sound drunk."_

"Probably 'cause I am."

" _What's wrong?"_ Cas asked suspiciously.

Dean took a little too long to answer, so Cas appeared suddenly, still holding the phone to his ear. His gaze swept about, taking in the empty beer bottles...and the gun. Resting harmlessly in Dean's lap, but the safety was off, and he had a pretty firm hold on it. Cas could see his knuckles turning white.

"Dean!" He approached slowly.

"You didn't have to come, you know."

"You're clearly in emotional distress. Give me the gun."

Dean surrendered the weapon without too much of a fuss. He hadn't intended to pull the trigger anyway.

"What's going on?" Cas sat next to him on the bed.

"Nothin'" Dean slurred. "I wasn't really gonna do it. Too messy. If I was gonna kill myself..."

"You'd go for pills." Cas finished his sentence, heart breaking.

"Yeah."

"Thank you for calling me. You remembered your promise." Cas gently touched his shoulder.

"Yep. Apparently suicide's not an option."

"That's right."

"'m okay. You can go." Dean shrugged the angel's arm away.

"I don't want to."

"Bull. Everyone does."

"That's not true." Cas said sadly, realizing that had to be part of what was bothering Dean. "Just because people leave...it doesn't mean they don't love you."

"Whatever. I'm tired." Dean turned away and laid down on the bed.

Cas knew this was code for, 'I don't want to talk about this anymore'."

"Alright." He pulled up a chair, and sat at the hunter's bedside.

"What're you doing?"

"Not leaving."

To his surprise, Dean didn't fight it. He simply let himself drift off while the angel watched over him.


End file.
